Men’s Friendships Crisis: The Role of Usefulness

4 min read

Modern life has reshaped the way men form and maintain friendships, often at the expense of emotional intimacy. A growing sense of being unnecessary, despite having family, colleagues, and friends, has led to a crisis in male friendships. A 2021 survey by the Survey Center on American Life revealed that the share of men with six or more close friends has fallen by roughly half since 1990, while the share reporting no close friends has risen fivefold. This decline is not just about numbers—it reflects a deeper psychological shift.

The Psychological Cost of Being Unneeded

For many men, the transition from being a central figure in their lives to being a peripheral presence has created a sense of emptiness. Take Tom, a married, employed man with regular contact with his family. When asked who he would call if something went wrong, he immediately named three people. But when asked who depended on him, he went quiet. His sons were grown, and at work, software had largely replaced his expertise. At home, his wife handled most of the small decisions. Nothing was particularly wrong with his marriage or his job, but Tom described his life as strangely flat. He wasn’t isolated, but he felt unnecessary.

Therapy Culture and the Misunderstanding of Intimacy

The usual advice to men struggling with loneliness is to open up, be vulnerable, and get better at talking about their feelings. While this can be helpful, it may have overlooked something fundamental about how men form relationships. They don’t always connect by talking about themselves. Instead, they connect by doing things for others. Many men build relationships around the question of who needs something from them, rather than who they can confide in. This form of intimacy is embedded in shared tasks, favors, and the expectation that you’ll be there. Disclosure isn’t the only form of intimacy—sometimes intimacy is being counted on.

Generativity and the Need to Contribute

Psychologists have long understood that adulthood isn’t only about being loved. Erik Erikson called one of its central tasks “generativity”: the need to contribute to the lives of people who come after us. In modern life, this need has been overshadowed by a focus on individualism and self-reliance. We have become adept at eliminating the need for usefulness, relying on technology and automation to handle tasks that once required human involvement. This has created a culture where dependence is seen as something adults are supposed to outgrow. Take care of yourself, don’t burden your friends, and don’t bother the neighbor.

The Power of Being Needed

Yet some of the strongest relationships are built through inconvenience. A friend needs a ride. Your brother needs help moving a couch. Someone has to coach the team. These moments may not seem especially meaningful, but over time, they tell us something important: Your presence matters to someone else. Being needed is not about achievement—it’s about having a place in other people’s lives. It’s about knowing that your absence would matter.

A Different Approach to Loneliness

Traditional advice on loneliness often focuses on finding connection, joining a group, or calling an old friend. While this is sensible, it can become oddly consumerist, suggesting that people should find communities that meet their needs. Instead, we should also ask the question in reverse: Where are you needed? This shift in perspective can help men understand that their value is not solely determined by how much they produce or provide. It’s about being counted on, about being part of someone else’s life.

Tom’s Simple Solution

Tom found an answer in an ordinary way. A neighbor’s work schedule changed, and she needed help getting her children to school twice a week. He offered to drive them. It didn’t transform his life, but on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, two children were waiting for him. It mattered whether he showed up. If you disappeared from your ordinary routine for a week, how much would change? Who would have to adjust? Who would wonder where you were? Having people in your life isn’t quite the same as having a place in theirs.

The Difference Between Feeling Lonely and Feeling Useful

The difference between feeling lonely and feeling useful is knowing that your absence would matter. We’ve spent years asking whether men have someone they can talk to. Maybe we should ask a different question: Who depends on them? Being cared about isn’t the same as being counted on. Sometimes the difference between feeling lonely and feeling useful is knowing that your absence would matter.

Conclusion: The Importance of Usefulness

Modern life has created a culture where being needed is often seen as a burden, not a privilege. Yet, the strongest relationships are built on the foundation of usefulness. Whether it’s helping a neighbor, coaching a team, or simply being there for someone, these acts of service reinforce our place in other people’s lives. For many men, this is the key to overcoming the crisis of friendships and finding a sense of purpose and belonging.

Source: Daily Wire